Category Archives: Humor

Take the BOTH AND Pledge

“If I spend all day reading Facebook and social media and rant mindlessly over things

about which I know almost nothing and over which I have even less control,

I will either get off Facebook so I can keep my job or seek professional help.”

After what has been pretty much a media-frenzied locust plague over the last three weeks, I began to think, “Hey, what will happen after the election? We’ve been told that if we choose wrong, the apocalypse will come, the sea will turn red and the zombie-takeover will begin. Don’t get me wrong, it matters, but a lot of nutty people have access to the media. I’m at the beach at the moment, and I try to remember that the water is only as sanitary as the least sanitary person sharing it with me. The pool is pretty polluted at the moment with Chicken Littles, convinced that they, alone, know how dire things are if we don’t think just like them. Whew.

A friend sent me a pretty good picture from Oregon. I’m guessing it was a church sign, but I don’t know. Unfortunately, my fellow preachers are all Be coolriled up at the moment, apparently having taken care of local sin and now ready to wipe it out globally. I myself resist this, since I’ve been around to watch a good bit of human foolishness. There’s plenty to take seriously, but there’s so much chaff out there that you need a microscope to find some wheat.  Well, this picture inspired me, so I created my own pledge. I decided to make a pledge for AFTER the election. When we have to carry our shame for all the stupid and ignorant things we’ve believed, forwarded, said and argued. Unfortunately, most of us will NOT get appointed to a new job or, like consultants, get a big fat contract out of it if their guy wins. We have to go back home and eat dinner with Uncle Ernie, who thinks your views are sending America straight to hell. And you yelled at him that he was a racist neanderthal and he looked wounded and looked up “neanderthal” on the web and then stopped speaking at dinner.

And people will have to get offline, and go back to work. And congresspeople will have to do whatever it is they are doing up there, or not doing. So here is a pledge for all of us. I call it the BOTH AND PLEDGE. I am the first signer. Read the rest of this entry

BREXIT and the Flopidemic of Slurrds

The Brexit vote in the UK set off a global panic. In part, because we assumed that people in England, if not the rest of the United Kingdom, would always think about a decision and be sensible. They would never vote without knowing what the implications of that issue might be. Apparently, we’ve been wrong.

The first problem is the word “Brexit.” It’s a combination word, and I think that is why Europe is coming apart. We are not using enough words now. Words were a way, in the olden times, like the 1990s, to actually describe something in detail and debate it. Think of the most powerful places to communicate now—non-existent “platforms” named, ironically, “Twitter,” “Instagram,” “Facebook” and “YouTube.” Four major media with only 27 letters total between them. We don’t use enough letters and words anymore.

The Brexit, we are told, has great impact for the POTUS election and thereby SCOTUS appointments. And I don’t really know what I just said.

Because we now use pictures instead of words—after all a picture is worth a thousand, so 20 pix is 20K, right? The core problem is the flopendemic of Slurrds (for old people, this means, “a flood and epidemic of slurring words together.” Get with it, Geriatrics).   Brexit is the chief example. Brexit sounds like a breakfast cereal. When I went to England years ago, there was a cereal called, “Wheatabix.” I am sure confused many voters. “Exit from cereal? Read the rest of this entry

What’s In a Name? Or, a 59 Year Old Songwriter Finds the Milk Carton Kids

 “Gillian Welch & David Rawlings-meets-Simon & 

Garfunkel with a splash of The Everly Brothers

I am and always have loved the process of how books, music, ideas and people find me.  Life, for the most part, is an odd assortment of intentional seeking and being found.  Some people major on the former, others on the latter.  Freedom and providence is what we call it in theology.  Too much of either leads to bad theology and a distortion of reality. This is about “how the Milk Carton Kids Found Me.”  I love music.  Two of my parishioners, Kenny and Katherine Worley, love the Milk Carton Kids.  I love Gillian Welch and David Rawlings.  They figured, “he might like the MCK 800px-The_Milk_Carton_Kids(Milk Carton Kids from now on!).  So they had an extra ticket and invited me to Workplay,  a great venue in Birmingham.  I listened to them on YouTube, of course, but I was distracted by the handkerchief Pattengale tied to his Martin 000-15 and waved in a circular motion that reminds me of David Rawlings so much.  I came ready to dismiss them as wannabes, to tell you the truth.  I was so wrong. Wikipedia’s article about them describes them as:

…an indie folk duo from Eagle RockCalifornia, consisting of singers and guitarists Kenneth Pattengale and Joey Ryan, who formed the group in early 2011. NPR has described their approach to music as “gorgeous contemporary folk”[1]and “Gillian Welch & David Rawlings-meets-Simon & Garfunkel with a splash of The Everly Brothers“, which fairly represents the band’s music while also appealing to the intended audience[i] Read the rest of this entry

20 Generic New Year’s Resolutions for 2013

  1. See 2012.  Ditto, and this time, mean it.
  2. Write fewer words and say more with them.
  3. Go to bed earlier and more often.  In some cases, stay there as long as possible.
  4. Stop caring about your career and start caring most about getting something done.
  5. It’s a free country.  Say what you want about it.  I’ll think what I want about what you said.  Neither of us will do

    Ugh. Time to do it.

    anything about it other than listen or respond coherently.

  6. Less anger, more effort.  (For a significant portion of you:  GET HELP)
  7. Let’s shorten election cycles to three weeks, and allow representatives to have a career but after two terms you have to take one off and get a real job, and that does NOT include lobbying.  Lobbyists are required to clean the offices of the people they oppose and babysit their children.
  8. Find all the ways to work on something in common, and if there’s time left over we can accuse, caricature, spin and lie about each other.
  9. Read the rest of this entry

RETREAT!

It is the day after Memorial Day.  I get way too many emails, but I’m 57.  I’m trying to withdraw from the world without getting fired or retired (sometimes you retire.  Other times you GET retired.  See “getting fired.”

Anyway, I find myself, more and more, saying to a television screen, “That’s the wrong question” and “neither of the above.”  Since we’ve quit reading anything longer than a few sentences, ah, I won’t go there today.

Few weeks ago I went on a retreat to Cullman, Alabama.  I stayed with a dozen pastor buddies at the St. Bernard Retreat Center.  It was a lovely setting.  The last time I “retreated” at St. Bernard’s I stayed actually in the monastery with the brothers, who treated me well, but it was not air-conditioned, and it was August in Alabama.  I had a small window, a box fan to blow hot air, and the last vestiges of a stomach virus.  Didn’t make it through the night and drove off in the Great Silence searching for a Waffle House or a Cracker Barrel.

Over the past few weeks, I have watched Ken Burns’ “Civil War,” all the way through.  Something I always wanted to do, but never had before.  So I did it.  Glorious, insightful, even after all these years.  And “retreat” came to be more meaningful.  You retreat when your forces are being obliterated.  A “strategic retreat” is one you do to preserve yourself for another fight (“He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.”)  But sometimes you just run for your life.  Cannons to the left of you, cannons to the right of you, manure under your feet and bayonets coming at you.  No strategic about it, just run, dummy.

Spiritual retreats, honestly, are a little like that.  Living in this world is too much like Antietam and Gettysburg, to tell you the truth.  There’s foolishness and then there’s what we have now.  What can you do?  Burns says desertion, draft-dodging by the rich, protests, all of that happened then.  Lincoln was trying to get re-elected while the Confederate army kept coming into Maryland to kill him.  It’s hard to run a campaign in such times.

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

So maybe I shouldn’t complain.  But this is a crazy time, too.  Just yesterday on the news, a man ate another man’s face, and it was reported that a Southern Baptist Leader announced a new coalition in which “Catholics and Southern Baptists have joined forces with Orthodox Jews and Mormons to oppose a ‘secular theocracy driven by a full-blown pagan understanding of human sexuality.’”  I don’t even know how you can HAVE a secular theocracy with no Theo.  And let’s not talk about the independent preacher in North Carolina and his electrified wall.   A school system in New York can’t fire a teacher who couldn’t get hired to pick up road kill for the county if she didn’t have tenure.  We don’t have civil war, but we don’t exactly have civil conversation either.

So, all in all, retreating is not so bad.  I still know too many people looking for work.  I want my grandbaby to have a decent job someday.  I want homeless people to sleep out of the rain, and I want everyone to pitch in and help make things better.  No one is asking me to sacrifice and telling me how.  No one is saying, “Even if I don’t get re-elected, let’s fix this deficit now.  Elections can wait.”  No one is saying, “that’s not news.  It’s stupid.  Get that off there and put something better on for us to talk about.”

Sound the retreat!

As I drove into lovely Cullman, Alabama for my “retreat,” I saw the most wonderful signs here and there.  They’re having an election, too, and a Judge Lust is running for re-election.  Try running a campaign against lust and see how it goes.  Another sign said, Unity Baptist Church.  Oxymoron?

One church had one of those changeable signs that must come with a book of clever clichés for preachers.  You know, PRAYER: WIRELESS ACCESS TO GOT WITH NO ROAMING FEE and THE FAMILY THAT PRAYS TOGETHER STAYS TOGETHER and WALMART IS NOT THE ONLY SAVING PLACE. This one was pretty good.  It said, COME AS YOU ARE BUT BE PREPARED TO CHANGE EVERYTHING.  Yeah, I thought, I like that.

Then the best of all—obviously, I was lost by this time, having driven past my turnoff and into the country.  But it was worth it.  A glorious sign that said, “NORTH ALABAMA BULL EVALUATION CENTER.”  Hallelujah!  At last!

Alas, to my disappointment, it was about cattle.  I turned around and headed the other way. The next morning, I was sitting in the Abbey Church listening to monks chanting and praying for the world.  Not so bad.

RETREAT!  RUN AWAY!

Those Two Little Words

There are two little magic words that can open any door with ease

one little word is “Thanks” and the other little word is please

Since we now have a thirteen month old GC (I’ll just abbrieviate “Grandchild” so I can resist declining into obnoxia braggadocci , which can be fatal to the hearer), I travel more than I normally do.  And I am having to watch all sorts of media and sing songs that were long forgotten.  My wife’s fav is “A helper I will be, a helper I will be, stop what you’re doing and clean up nice-ly” to the tune of “Farmer in the Dell”.  We have a luscious video of our GC slinging toys down as fast as her Mom can pick them up while Mom sings (in vain) “A helper I will be…” Read the rest of this entry

Delta Dawn. I Try to Fly Again.

How on earth can people board before getting on the plane? 

OK, last summer one of my early blogs (CLICK HERE TO READ THE DISMAL TALE) was about the general malaise breaking out among airline passengers due to the Read the rest of this entry